"You'll never get away From the sound of the woman that loves you . . ."

Lyrics from Silver Spring (Fleetwood Mac)

The past couple of days have been very busy for me at work (‘Tis the season – LoL), and I’ve barely had time to get sad and feel the real pain of your leaving me. That is, until early today. I had to put on the mask of the gracious widow accepting condolences from colleagues who really respected you and your work. I ended up fumbling over the words “Thank you for your support”, and ended the conversation saying something like “This is the strangest experience I’ve ever known”. The harder I tried to recover, the worse the words got. Finally, we said our awkward “goodbyes” and I ran to the restroom. I honestly felt like I was going to throw up and felt so overwhelmed. All of the pain came rushing back in a matter of minutes. Will I ever be able to become the “stoic widow”?!?!?! I am now seriously doubting it.

  

I have been dreading next week all month. Next week will mean the beginning of the “holidays”. We always spent our “holidays” together, no matter what we were involved with at work. This week has literally flown by and I am certain it is due to the fact that I am desperately trying to hang on to it as tightly as I can. How does one avoid the festivities of this time of year when there are decorations and music everywhere?!?!? I’d run to hide and isolate myself, but there are still things to tend to here – I will tough it out, accepting that I am not the first to take this journey, but it will be painful and frightening nonetheless. 

Tomorrow will be another busy day at work, and I am thankful for that. I am just hoping that I don’t run into someone else who hasn’t seen me since “before then” or BD, before death - your death. Yeah, I said it “death” – and it grates on me to even think it, much less state it. You are gone, never to return – I will never spend another Thanksgiving with you, or pick out a Christmas tree with you, or hang up Christmas lights on the house with you. I will be doing this alone this year (or, who knows – maybe not at all this year). It is just so unfair and I am fighting the anger and hurt tonight. Exhaustion is a blessing today – as I am sure I will sleep well. Love you Babe!