Lyrics from “Say
Goodbye” (Fleetwood Mac)
Wow – I had the most pained dream 2 nights ago and it is
haunting me. We all know how real and emotional dreams are, and this one took
the cake (you know how much I love cake!?!?!). I now cry every time I attempt
to put it into words, as it is so raw and tender at the same time.
The Dream --
The surrounding is quite familiar, as it is our home; or I should say my “dreamscape” home, which has the many bits and pieces that I loved from the homes we shared these past 32 years. The sun is shining, the trees are green and flowers are blooming. I find comfort in this surrounding, and our son and I are returning from a trip. I say trip, because we are entering the house with suitcases in hand - feeling exhausted and rested at the same time. As we enter the family room/kitchen area, you are standing in the kitchen, very sullen and bewildered. You quickly ask me “Why did you leave me?!” I am shocked at such a question, and very troubled that the “dream” you is not aware that we didn’t leave you. I then have to muster all of my courage and strength to tell you that “We didn’t leave you. I would never leave you! You left us – you died, and you left us – alone.” You are stunned by my response, and I am stunned by your reaction. We look at each other, cry and hold each other. I then tell you how much I love you and that you will always be with me. The "dream me" knew that this was a dream, and I was begging myself to not wake up, as I could continue to touch you, comfort you, and be with you as long as I was present in this dream.
Alas, I woke and it all ended; as abruptly as it had begun.
You told me many times that you didn’t think that you deserved my love, and I never understood it. I always felt so lucky to be loved by you for the rest of my life. I can only hope that this dream is my mind’s attempt to reconcile my loss, your loss, our future that is lost. I still can’t imagine my life without you, but here I am, 104 days in. I ache to be with you again, knowing that it is not meant to be. How could a “loving God” be so cruel to make me feel such pain?!?!?! I find my faith faltering in recent days, which is new for me. I hope this too shall pass, as I grow stronger and learn to live this, my new weird widow lyfe.
The surrounding is quite familiar, as it is our home; or I should say my “dreamscape” home, which has the many bits and pieces that I loved from the homes we shared these past 32 years. The sun is shining, the trees are green and flowers are blooming. I find comfort in this surrounding, and our son and I are returning from a trip. I say trip, because we are entering the house with suitcases in hand - feeling exhausted and rested at the same time. As we enter the family room/kitchen area, you are standing in the kitchen, very sullen and bewildered. You quickly ask me “Why did you leave me?!” I am shocked at such a question, and very troubled that the “dream” you is not aware that we didn’t leave you. I then have to muster all of my courage and strength to tell you that “We didn’t leave you. I would never leave you! You left us – you died, and you left us – alone.” You are stunned by my response, and I am stunned by your reaction. We look at each other, cry and hold each other. I then tell you how much I love you and that you will always be with me. The "dream me" knew that this was a dream, and I was begging myself to not wake up, as I could continue to touch you, comfort you, and be with you as long as I was present in this dream.
Alas, I woke and it all ended; as abruptly as it had begun.
You told me many times that you didn’t think that you deserved my love, and I never understood it. I always felt so lucky to be loved by you for the rest of my life. I can only hope that this dream is my mind’s attempt to reconcile my loss, your loss, our future that is lost. I still can’t imagine my life without you, but here I am, 104 days in. I ache to be with you again, knowing that it is not meant to be. How could a “loving God” be so cruel to make me feel such pain?!?!?! I find my faith faltering in recent days, which is new for me. I hope this too shall pass, as I grow stronger and learn to live this, my new weird widow lyfe.
