Lyrics from “Say
Goodbye” (Fleetwood Mac)
Wow – I had the most pained dream 2 nights ago and it is
haunting me. We all know how real and emotional dreams are, and this one took
the cake (you know how much I love cake!?!?!). I now cry every time I attempt
to put it into words, as it is so raw and tender at the same time.
The Dream --
The surrounding is quite familiar, as it is our home; or I should say my “dreamscape” home, which has the many bits and pieces that I loved from the homes we shared these past 32 years. The sun is shining, the trees are green and flowers are blooming. I find comfort in this surrounding, and our son and I are returning from a trip. I say trip, because we are entering the house with suitcases in hand - feeling exhausted and rested at the same time. As we enter the family room/kitchen area, you are standing in the kitchen, very sullen and bewildered. You quickly ask me “Why did you leave me?!” I am shocked at such a question, and very troubled that the “dream” you is not aware that we didn’t leave you. I then have to muster all of my courage and strength to tell you that “We didn’t leave you. I would never leave you! You left us – you died, and you left us – alone.” You are stunned by my response, and I am stunned by your reaction. We look at each other, cry and hold each other. I then tell you how much I love you and that you will always be with me. The "dream me" knew that this was a dream, and I was begging myself to not wake up, as I could continue to touch you, comfort you, and be with you as long as I was present in this dream.
Alas, I woke and it all ended; as abruptly as it had begun.
You told me many times that you didn’t think that you deserved my love, and I never understood it. I always felt so lucky to be loved by you for the rest of my life. I can only hope that this dream is my mind’s attempt to reconcile my loss, your loss, our future that is lost. I still can’t imagine my life without you, but here I am, 104 days in. I ache to be with you again, knowing that it is not meant to be. How could a “loving God” be so cruel to make me feel such pain?!?!?! I find my faith faltering in recent days, which is new for me. I hope this too shall pass, as I grow stronger and learn to live this, my new weird widow lyfe.
The surrounding is quite familiar, as it is our home; or I should say my “dreamscape” home, which has the many bits and pieces that I loved from the homes we shared these past 32 years. The sun is shining, the trees are green and flowers are blooming. I find comfort in this surrounding, and our son and I are returning from a trip. I say trip, because we are entering the house with suitcases in hand - feeling exhausted and rested at the same time. As we enter the family room/kitchen area, you are standing in the kitchen, very sullen and bewildered. You quickly ask me “Why did you leave me?!” I am shocked at such a question, and very troubled that the “dream” you is not aware that we didn’t leave you. I then have to muster all of my courage and strength to tell you that “We didn’t leave you. I would never leave you! You left us – you died, and you left us – alone.” You are stunned by my response, and I am stunned by your reaction. We look at each other, cry and hold each other. I then tell you how much I love you and that you will always be with me. The "dream me" knew that this was a dream, and I was begging myself to not wake up, as I could continue to touch you, comfort you, and be with you as long as I was present in this dream.
Alas, I woke and it all ended; as abruptly as it had begun.
You told me many times that you didn’t think that you deserved my love, and I never understood it. I always felt so lucky to be loved by you for the rest of my life. I can only hope that this dream is my mind’s attempt to reconcile my loss, your loss, our future that is lost. I still can’t imagine my life without you, but here I am, 104 days in. I ache to be with you again, knowing that it is not meant to be. How could a “loving God” be so cruel to make me feel such pain?!?!?! I find my faith faltering in recent days, which is new for me. I hope this too shall pass, as I grow stronger and learn to live this, my new weird widow lyfe.
Dreams are real. I hope that you can repeat the dream as many times as you want too!
ReplyDeleteM.R.
Have found that often the "dreamer" in dreams isn't us but is somebody else. So think in your dream it is you who is standing in your house and your dear departed who is the dreamer. Think this is part of your minds way of coming to terms with your new reality. What is grief but the unconscious not being able to accept what the conscious knows is true. Your dream is telling you he wanted to stay with you but could not. Take comfort in that.
ReplyDeleteScott - Thank you for your insight to this! I must say that I 'feel' more accepting of this new life since experiencing this dream. I continue to be amazed by "emotions vs. logic" . . . and so the journey continues for me.
ReplyDelete