I can’t believe that 2014 is here, and you are not physically with me to experience ANY of it! I’ve been reading that one of the most difficult parts of being a “W” is the experience of the New Year without your life partner. Also, I’ve learned that the most pained time, for all “W” people, is the “Holiday Triangle” (Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s). I had steeled myself for it, tried to anticipate the pain of it, but there was no preparation that could have been done to save me from this most awful pain – heartbreaking pain. I think what surprised me most was that New Year’s Eve was the worst and most pained of all. Strange to me, as we never really celebrated it, as in recent years, we couldn’t stay awake long enough for the countdown. For 2014, our son and I stayed up (no drinking), watched some strange movies and went to bed at 3am.
Of course, I’ve reflected on New Years’ past, and the most memorable had to be our first in 1981. When talking about it, we would often laugh at how foolish we both were and had so much to learn. Being newlywed and into the passion of it, we had no idea that we were actually 6 weeks pregnant and suffering from morning (noon, and night) sickness. Why am I such a “Bear” (ok, Bitch) when I am really sick?!?!? I’ve always reacted like a wounded animal and just want to be left alone to suffer and die (LoL). That New Year’s Eve was no different for me, and you were hell-bent on celebrating. Our friends were having a party and we decided to go. Unfortunately, after going out to dinner, my stomach (head and the rest of my body) could not come to terms with the “Celebration of 1982”. Driving to the party, we argued, as I really didn’t feel up to going. I was driving, probably because you had been prepping for the party by starting the celebrating early. I can still remember it like it was yesterday. You yelled at me to let you out and you would walk to the party. I pulled over, let you out and drove home. I worried about you all night long, wanting to go look for you, but letting my pride get in the way. I just sat at home and worried. You were too upset (and probably intoxicated) to find our friends’ home and wandered the neighborhood all night long. You used your zippo lighter, looking at street signs, navigating your way home in the dark. You finally got home at about 5am. I was so happy to see you and glad that you were with me. We didn’t do anything on the 1st, as we were both sick. We stayed home doing a “love-in”, not realizing that our lives would soon be changed forever.
Interesting that in 32 years, we never went to a New Year’s party. On occasion we’d celebrate at home, sometimes with family or a few friends, but always at home.
You don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to just turn back the hands of time – go back to that naive and innocent time. A time when all we knew was love; that our love for each other was deep and everlasting. I know that I will love you always, and I can only hope that wherever you are, that you will always love me too.
No comments:
Post a Comment