What an exhausting week it has been! I’ve spent the last two
weeks preparing statistics and a presentation for the “big dogs” at work. The
meeting was yesterday and went well, but I found myself totally drained when it
was finally over with. I am discovering interesting things about myself as I am
beginning this ‘WWL’.
Several attending this meeting had not seen me since before you left me and of course, asked me how I am doing. For whatever reason the words “How are you doing?” bring me to tears every time, and I can’t speak. I mumble the words ‘ok, I’ll be ok’, but I literally choke when attempting to speak. I can openly talk about my experiences and feelings of loneliness, sadness and just being lost, but those 4 words bring me to tears every time. I WILL BE OK – what do these words really mean? I want to be more than ok, and I impatiently want it now. I don’t want to let you go and I don’t want to remain in this pain. Is being surrounded by what is familiar causing me more pain? Sometimes I think so, then other times I realize that this is part of process in this journey. As I write this, just thinking about these experiences is (again) bringing me to tears. Quiet tears, but painful nonetheless. It is hard for me to not be in control of my emotions and very frustrating that I can’t get through these types of conversations without the lip quivers, fractured words, and ultimately tears. As much as I appreciate (and welcome) the empathy, I don’t want pity and I want to be strong. Strong enough to hurt on the inside, but not express it on the outside. Strong enough to continue this new WWL.
I daydream of living a different life – a life of peace. It is the responsibility that keeps me going when nothing else can. I continue to provide care to those things living. It is as much a necessity as it is a responsibility for me to provide what I can for our pets and our son. This is my therapy – and makes me feel better about myself and the life that we built together. I am drained and feel quite shattered today. I know that this is a day of recovery, that I have to take care of myself and rest, yet I am so restless. I find so many contradictions in my new existence and I am screaming inside. I know that the tranquil “me” is there, it is just buried now. Buried in sorrow, pain and curiosity.
I continue to listen to your music and share my memories of you. These bring such comfort to me and remind me of why I love you so much. Babe, you are such a kind soul and I miss you dearly.
Several attending this meeting had not seen me since before you left me and of course, asked me how I am doing. For whatever reason the words “How are you doing?” bring me to tears every time, and I can’t speak. I mumble the words ‘ok, I’ll be ok’, but I literally choke when attempting to speak. I can openly talk about my experiences and feelings of loneliness, sadness and just being lost, but those 4 words bring me to tears every time. I WILL BE OK – what do these words really mean? I want to be more than ok, and I impatiently want it now. I don’t want to let you go and I don’t want to remain in this pain. Is being surrounded by what is familiar causing me more pain? Sometimes I think so, then other times I realize that this is part of process in this journey. As I write this, just thinking about these experiences is (again) bringing me to tears. Quiet tears, but painful nonetheless. It is hard for me to not be in control of my emotions and very frustrating that I can’t get through these types of conversations without the lip quivers, fractured words, and ultimately tears. As much as I appreciate (and welcome) the empathy, I don’t want pity and I want to be strong. Strong enough to hurt on the inside, but not express it on the outside. Strong enough to continue this new WWL.
I daydream of living a different life – a life of peace. It is the responsibility that keeps me going when nothing else can. I continue to provide care to those things living. It is as much a necessity as it is a responsibility for me to provide what I can for our pets and our son. This is my therapy – and makes me feel better about myself and the life that we built together. I am drained and feel quite shattered today. I know that this is a day of recovery, that I have to take care of myself and rest, yet I am so restless. I find so many contradictions in my new existence and I am screaming inside. I know that the tranquil “me” is there, it is just buried now. Buried in sorrow, pain and curiosity.
I continue to listen to your music and share my memories of you. These bring such comfort to me and remind me of why I love you so much. Babe, you are such a kind soul and I miss you dearly.
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