“Children get older, and I'm getting older too”

lyrics from "Landslide" (Fleetwood Mac)

It’s been another tough week. My mom became ill while working 3 weeks ago and has been mostly bedridden since. She’s made several trips to the doctor and has been diagnosed with a failing liver and preliminarily liver cancer (can’t be officially diagnosed until they do a biopsy this week). 98% of all liver cancers begin somewhere else, with only 2% isolated to the liver. I’ve read as much as I can and know recovery is very unlikely.  Her condition is dire, and it is only a matter of time.

We had dinner December 23^rd and she looked fine, and said she felt good. It was so comforting to have her with me that night. The night gave me hope. It made me feel like I possibly could do this alone, as long as I had the support of my mom.

I’ve told myself that it’s important for me to document, as I can, about how I am doing without you here with me. Unfortunately, it looks like this is the next difficult step that I will be making alone.

I never dreamed that this would happen now. Now when I am still discovering how to live without you. You always joked how if you were gone, at least my mom and I would be free to travel – anywhere and everywhere. Now it looks like that will never happen. I am feeling lost – how does one adjust to being a widow and an orphan at the same time?!?!?

I know that “the script” is for me to be stoic and supportive – and I so desperately want to be there for my mom. It takes all that I have to just finish this entry. I love you babe! Please help me get through this, as I am struggling. I just want things back, the way they were – before I began my new weird widow lyfe!