"These Dreams, go on when I close my eyes . . ."

lyrics from "These Dreams" (Heart)

It finally happened – I had “the dream”. The dream where you slide into bed, and wrap your arms around me. You’re telling me that you are here with me and will not leave me again. I can smell you, touch you. I literally squeeze your arm and smell it, knowing that it is you and I begin to cry. I repeatedly ask “why”, to which I get no real answer. I’ve read about widows having these dreams; sometimes bringing comfort, sometimes bringing sadness. While desiring to have such a dream, I have really been dreading it as well. Because I know that I won’t want to wake up and I won’t want it to end. Sadly, it does – abruptly. I’m not certain what woke me up, but I desperately attempted to get back to sleep, to that dream – that smell – and that touch! I continued to close my eyes and concentrate, but It never happened. I never went back to sleep, and now I am left sad, lonely and wanting you desperately. I could be in a room with a thousand people right now and still be alone. I am reaching deep within myself to keep going and stay strong. I love you Babe, and my heart is aching terribly tonight. 

Happy(?) Thanksgiving!

Where do I start?!?!? I was determined to NOT be sad today and be gracious and thankful for all that is in my life at this moment. I must say that I deserve a gold star for effort, but around 11am caught myself being quite lonely and missing you terribly. All I could think about for several hours was what I WASN’T thankful for, and that is your wonderful smile missing from my new "WW lyfe". 

I continued on with baking the feast, even though there are only 2 of us here. How do you cook for two, when you overcook for 3? It’s impossible – we will be eating today’s feast all weekend! I never thought I’d be here a year ago. I had pictured us together (finally), after living apart most of the time for 3 years. I could see us getting excited about decorating for Christmas and enjoying just being together.

I am determined that the house will be decorated for Christmas, as I don’t want to “stand out” in the neighborhood (LoL). I watched a tearjerker on Hallmark Channel last night about a widow who didn’t want to celebrate Christmas, yet didn’t want pity either. So she didn’t decorate or put up a tree. I thought “Wow! If she didn’t want pity, she would have hidden her grief just a little better!” Stupid script writers! I didn’t watch it to the end, as it really was sappy and depressing all at once (typical Hallmark), but it did give me some insight to what I need to do to carry on! I WILL do all that I can to remember your fun-loving spirit, and I will hang up your decorations. I am sure that there will be moments of sadness and that I will stumble many times. I WILL pick myself up, dust myself off, and continue our traditions. Love you Babe, and I am so thankful that I had you in my life for 33 years!

“You can call it another lonely day . . .”

Lyrics from “Go Your Own Way” (Fleetwood Mac)

Just when I think that things are turning the corner something else happens. Well your son (yes, YOUR son) took the keys to the car in the middle of the night to go “joyriding” in the rain. Joyride and Rain don’t really work well together, and Friday night was no exception. I was awakened by the City’s “finest” at about 4am yesterday morning to learn that the car had been wrecked and abandoned somewhere in the City. Your son came home soon afterward spewing some crap about being carjacked. It didn’t take the police long to figure out that he was lying (the eyewitness accounts didn’t help his situation either). After spending almost 30 minutes listening to the bull, your son finally confessed that he wrecked the car, got scared and abandoned it. Who, in their right mind, abandons a car?!?!?!? I was beyond angry and upset. Thankfully no one was hurt and the only property damage was to a city water valve (and the car). Your son was left with 2 citations and gets to go to court in 10 days (lucky him). The car was towed and I don’t have access to it until Monday – so I am screwed yet again (and not in a fun way either).  As the day grew on so did my anger. I finally blew up at about 10pm (yeah, right before bed – why do I do that?!?!?!) and yelled obscenities at your son and feeling my anger just boiling over (yes, he IS still YOUR son). After going off on a tangent, I realized that I was angry at much more than a wrecked car – I am still very angry that you left me this way. I try so hard to be accepting and forgiving, but being alone is so hard to forgive.

Most days it takes all my strength to get up and begin the day – today was one of those. I am sure it has to do with the “screaming hangover” from last night. Oh, and I had to work today, so here I was attempting to wake what few brain cells I have and saunter to work like everything is ok (wearing the mask). When will this feeling stop?!?! I am so tired of it – and wanting things to be the way they were! I don’t want another lonely day, but anticipate many more before I accept my new WW life. Why can’t I just turn back the hands of time or just touch and see you once more, saying everything that I didn’t get to say?!?!?! Your son is hurting too, I am sure he is asking many of the same questions that I am. Yeah, he is STILL your son, and I love him (almost as much as I love you)!