"Yesterday's gone, Yesterday's gone . . ."

lyrics from "Don't Stop" (Fleetwood Mac)

What an exhausting week it has been! I’ve spent the last two weeks preparing statistics and a presentation for the “big dogs” at work. The meeting was yesterday and went well, but I found myself totally drained when it was finally over with. I am discovering interesting things about myself as I am beginning this ‘WWL’.

Several attending this meeting had not seen me since before you left me and of course, asked me how I am doing. For whatever reason the words “How are you doing?” bring me to tears every time, and I can’t speak. I mumble the words ‘ok, I’ll be ok’, but I literally choke when attempting to speak. I can openly talk about my experiences and feelings of loneliness, sadness and just being lost, but those 4 words bring me to tears every time. I WILL BE OK – what do these words really mean? I want to be more than ok, and I impatiently want it now. I don’t want to let you go and I don’t want to remain in this pain. Is being surrounded by what is familiar causing me more pain? Sometimes I think so, then other times I realize that this is part of process in this journey. As I write this, just thinking about these experiences is (again) bringing me to tears. Quiet tears, but painful nonetheless. It is hard for me to not be in control of my emotions and very frustrating that I can’t get through these types of conversations without the lip quivers, fractured words, and ultimately tears. As much as I appreciate (and welcome) the empathy, I don’t want pity and I want to be strong. Strong enough to hurt on the inside, but not express it on the outside. Strong enough to continue this new WWL.

I daydream of living a different life – a life of peace. It is the responsibility that keeps me going when nothing else can. I continue to provide care to those things living. It is as much a necessity as it is a responsibility for me to provide what I can for our pets and our son. This is my therapy – and makes me feel better about myself and the life that we built together. I am drained and feel quite shattered today. I know that this is a day of recovery, that I have to take care of myself and rest, yet I am so restless. I find so many contradictions in my new existence and I am screaming inside. I know that the tranquil “me” is there, it is just buried now. Buried in sorrow, pain and curiosity.

I continue to listen to your music and share my memories of you. These bring such comfort to me and remind me of why I love you so much. Babe, you are such a kind soul and I miss you dearly.

“I'm tired, I need you badly . . .”

lyrics from "Sorcerer" (Stevie Nicks)

Wow – today marks 4 months since you left me, and I really felt lost today, even though I had to focus at work. I still sometimes think I will wake up and you will be there beside me. When I wake up and you're not there - I usually sigh and just fight to get out of bed and begin my day. Your loss really hits me when I’m tired and I just want someone to commiserate and snuggle with (the cats just don’t do it for me)! Will I ever get used to not having your touch? Not sharing your thoughts? Not sharing your wit? You just NOT being here?!?!?

These full work weeks are the worst! Everyone feels that they have to ask me how I am doing, and now it has become rhetoric instead of concern. Everyone is an amateur therapist, and I think they don’t really want to know how I am feeling. I continue to wear the mask, say I’m fine and scream inside! I understand that friends and colleagues move on from your loss, as they should. However, as a “W”, it just isn’t that easy. I feel like I am just now coming out of the fog. The fog that was the physical, logical, financial and emotional shock of you suddenly leaving me to this new WWL. I am now left to deal with the reality of you being gone and you are not coming back. It sounds so simple, yet the emotions and logic are so complex. Now I find myself wondering what would happen if I were to just be gone from this life – suddenly and abruptly. Don’t misunderstand me – I am not contemplating leaving, but am actually curious as to how the earth would continue to turn and live without me in it. What would happen to my job, our house, our son – even our pets?!?!? Except for the obvious financial needs – how soon would they forget their need for me? What would happen to my personal things, my dirty laundry, the dirty dishes? How would they know what is important to keep? If they knew, would they even really care if something was important to me (or you)? Do I go through the trouble of writing everything down? Does it really matter? When all is said and done, would I really care? We are so “transitional” in this life – and it is hard for me to grasp sometimes.

I know that I have some big decisions ahead of me. What I am going to do with this big house (and yard) and all the "stuff" that it contains? Do I want to stay here? Do I even like it here? If I don’t stay here, where will I go? What will I do? The year 2014 has so much to offer; I just don’t know if I’m ready to accept it yet. I am trying, desperately trying.

Love you babe – and I continue to hope that you can feel it!

"If I could, Baby I'd give you my world . . ."

lyrics from "Go Your Own Way" (Fleetwood Mac)

I can’t believe that 2014 is here, and you are not physically with me to experience ANY of it! I’ve been reading that one of the most difficult parts of being a “W” is the experience of the New Year without your life partner. Also, I’ve learned that the most pained time, for all “W” people, is the “Holiday Triangle” (Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s). I had steeled myself for it, tried to anticipate the pain of it, but there was no preparation that could have been done to save me from this most awful pain – heartbreaking pain. I think what surprised me most was that New Year’s Eve was the worst and most pained of all. Strange to me, as we never really celebrated it, as in recent years, we couldn’t stay awake long enough for the countdown. For 2014, our son and I stayed up (no drinking), watched some strange movies and went to bed at 3am.

Of course, I’ve reflected on New Years’ past, and the most memorable had to be our first in 1981. When talking about it, we would often laugh at how foolish we both were and had so much to learn. Being newlywed and into the passion of it, we had no idea that we were actually 6 weeks pregnant and suffering from morning (noon, and night) sickness. Why am I such a “Bear” (ok, Bitch) when I am really sick?!?!? I’ve always reacted like a wounded animal and just want to be left alone to suffer and die (LoL). That New Year’s Eve was no different for me, and you were hell-bent on celebrating. Our friends were having a party and we decided to go. Unfortunately, after going out to dinner, my stomach (head and the rest of my body) could not come to terms with the “Celebration of 1982”. Driving to the party, we argued, as I really didn’t feel up to going. I was driving, probably because you had been prepping for the party by starting the celebrating early. I can still remember it like it was yesterday. You yelled at me to let you out and you would walk to the party. I pulled over, let you out and drove home. I worried about you all night long, wanting to go look for you, but letting my pride get in the way. I just sat at home and worried. You were too upset (and probably intoxicated) to find our friends’ home and wandered the neighborhood all night long. You used your zippo lighter, looking at street signs, navigating your way home in the dark. You finally got home at about 5am. I was so happy to see you and glad that you were with me. We didn’t do anything on the 1st, as we were both sick. We stayed home doing a “love-in”, not realizing that our lives would soon be changed forever.

Interesting that in 32 years, we never went to a New Year’s party. On occasion we’d celebrate at home, sometimes with family or a few friends, but always at home.

You don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to just turn back the hands of time – go back to that naive and innocent time. A time when all we knew was love; that our love for each other was deep and everlasting. I know that I will love you always, and I can only hope that wherever you are, that you will always love me too.