lyrics from "Sorcerer" (Stevie Nicks)
Wow – today marks 4 months since you left me, and I really
felt lost today, even though I had to focus at work. I still sometimes think I will wake
up and you will be there beside me. When I wake up and you're not there - I usually sigh and just fight to get out of bed and begin my day. Your loss really hits me when I’m tired and
I just want someone to commiserate and snuggle with (the cats just don’t do it
for me)! Will I ever get used to not having your touch? Not sharing your
thoughts? Not sharing your wit? You just NOT being here?!?!?
These full work weeks are the worst! Everyone feels that
they have to ask me how I am doing, and now it has become rhetoric instead of
concern. Everyone is an amateur therapist, and I think they don’t really want
to know how I am feeling. I continue to wear the mask, say I’m fine and scream
inside! I understand that friends and colleagues move on from your loss, as
they should. However, as a “W”, it just isn’t that easy. I feel like I am just
now coming out of the fog. The fog that was the physical, logical, financial
and emotional shock of you suddenly leaving me to this new WWL. I am now left
to deal with the reality of you being gone and you are not coming back. It
sounds so simple, yet the emotions and logic are so complex. Now I find myself
wondering what would happen if I were to just be gone from this life – suddenly
and abruptly. Don’t misunderstand me – I am not contemplating leaving, but am
actually curious as to how the earth would continue to turn and live without me
in it. What would happen to my job, our house, our son – even our pets?!?!?
Except for the obvious financial needs – how soon would they forget their need
for me? What would happen to my personal things, my dirty laundry, the dirty
dishes? How would they know what is important to keep? If they knew, would they
even really care if something was important to me (or you)? Do I go through the
trouble of writing everything down? Does it really matter? When all is said and
done, would I really care? We are so “transitional” in this life – and it is
hard for me to grasp sometimes.
I
know that I have some big decisions ahead of me. What I am going to do with
this big house (and yard) and all the "stuff" that it contains? Do I want to stay here? Do I even like it here? If I
don’t stay here, where will I go? What will I do? The year 2014 has so much to
offer; I just don’t know if I’m ready to accept it yet. I am trying, desperately trying.
Love you babe – and I continue to hope that
you can feel it!
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