"When I see You again, will it be the same? . . ."

Lyrics from When I See You Again (Fleetwood Mac)

I’ve been thinking about you continually the past few days, and this song really touches my soul right now. These past few weeks have been quite hard, and all I do is wish you were here – with me. I am at the “six-month” mark, living this new life without you. Six months, .5 years, a lifetime for some organisms.

I catch myself remembering the ‘us’ from several years ago. I know that what we had was really great and have had that confirmed in so many ways. How many couples can really finish each other’s thoughts and sentences?!?!?! How many can pick up the other up and carry the load when their partner is flailing in the quicksand?!?!?! I loved that the most about ‘us’. We intuitively knew when the other was struggling, and we had the strength to carry each other through so many difficult times through the years.  I am finding that our love was a treasure – one that would have been envied by any that understood it, and could never be bought.

A comment was made last week, by a close relative that made me sad when I initially heard it. As I re-think the statement, it warms me and brings me comfort. I was told “I really wish I knew the Grant that was fondly remembered at his memorial.” Of course, I was shocked and felt kicked in the stomach, as I thought everyone knew the ‘wonderful you’. Being my patient (and analytic) self, I absorbed those words and really tried to understand why a family member would feel so distant from the real you. It became clear to me that no one experienced the real you in our family because I selfishly kept you to myself. We needed no one else and isolated ourselves with each other, because that was all that we needed to live and be happy. I truly believe this! In a sense, we had become conjoined twins. I now feel like an amputee, struggling with life and attempting to adjust with my new body. I don’t like it, but I accept it and am determined to make it work.

I’m having dreams about ‘us’ again, and they are happy and complete. I don’t want these dreams to end, and could happily dream my life away, until we meet again. If we meet again – Wow, the big question! I find myself hoping that we will see each other again and those connections will re-ignite, with nothing lost. We will be one again, conjoined - as it should be. I continue to nurture the love that I felt from you and it brings me such comfort during the difficult times (and there are many now). I know I will never find another like you, and can’t even fathom the search. I am sending you much love – can you feel it Babe?!?!?!

"Like a Ghost through a Fog . . ."

Lyrics from Angel (Fleetwood Mac) 

It has been a while since I posted here and shared what I am thinking. I only wish it was because I was moving on and missing you less. I can’t believe where I am at today. You’ve been gone almost 6 months and now mom is gone too! These last few weeks have been hell on earth, as I watched her struggle and do all that could to make her as comfortable as possible. I thought of you many times, wondering if you were going through some of the same pain, quietly, on your own. I now think I was shallow and cold for not seeing the struggles you endured until it was too late. Oh, if I could turn back the hands of time, the things I would change.

Why didn’t you tell me how unwell you were feeling?! I ask myself this question over and over again. As we desperately searched for answers on mom’s condition, I wondered if the same effort would have made the difference with you. I accept that you did things your own way, but still can’t believe that I didn’t see the end coming until it was too late. Did you know something about your health that you didn’t share with me? I wouldn’t be surprised, as you always tried to protect me from dire news. Now I constantly think of my own mortality and what am I going to do with my time here on earth. I haven’t come up with the answers yet, but I know that they are there and I keep searching.

I just wish that you were here with me today with your loving arms. I could really use them now. I’ve found that when I miss you most is when I need that shoulder to cry on or for you to just hold me until I fall asleep. Last night I closed my eyes and imagined you there. I even made a pact with God, that if I could just have the “ghost you”, I’d be more spiritual, giving and do anything that he’d ask of me. Any part of you being with me would be pure joy now, and all I have are memories. 

Memories – without photos, how clear would they be? You would not believe the boxes of photos that were found – literally everywhere! So many of us as a family. We were young, naive, and genuinely happy. I can’t wait to organize and scan them to share with the rest of the family.  

I am determined to make the most of this new weird widow’s lyfe, and I am doing my best! I miss you terribly, and ache to be with you again. Love you babe!