"Like a Ghost through a Fog . . ."

Lyrics from Angel (Fleetwood Mac) 

It has been a while since I posted here and shared what I am thinking. I only wish it was because I was moving on and missing you less. I can’t believe where I am at today. You’ve been gone almost 6 months and now mom is gone too! These last few weeks have been hell on earth, as I watched her struggle and do all that could to make her as comfortable as possible. I thought of you many times, wondering if you were going through some of the same pain, quietly, on your own. I now think I was shallow and cold for not seeing the struggles you endured until it was too late. Oh, if I could turn back the hands of time, the things I would change.

Why didn’t you tell me how unwell you were feeling?! I ask myself this question over and over again. As we desperately searched for answers on mom’s condition, I wondered if the same effort would have made the difference with you. I accept that you did things your own way, but still can’t believe that I didn’t see the end coming until it was too late. Did you know something about your health that you didn’t share with me? I wouldn’t be surprised, as you always tried to protect me from dire news. Now I constantly think of my own mortality and what am I going to do with my time here on earth. I haven’t come up with the answers yet, but I know that they are there and I keep searching.

I just wish that you were here with me today with your loving arms. I could really use them now. I’ve found that when I miss you most is when I need that shoulder to cry on or for you to just hold me until I fall asleep. Last night I closed my eyes and imagined you there. I even made a pact with God, that if I could just have the “ghost you”, I’d be more spiritual, giving and do anything that he’d ask of me. Any part of you being with me would be pure joy now, and all I have are memories. 

Memories – without photos, how clear would they be? You would not believe the boxes of photos that were found – literally everywhere! So many of us as a family. We were young, naive, and genuinely happy. I can’t wait to organize and scan them to share with the rest of the family.  

I am determined to make the most of this new weird widow’s lyfe, and I am doing my best! I miss you terribly, and ache to be with you again. Love you babe!