It has been quite the struggle today. Today marks five months since you left me. It also marks that day that I was told my mother has neuroendocrine tumor (carcinoma) and metastatic liver with unknown primary cancer. If I hadn’t already been told what was suspected, I probably would have just nodded my head and taken my mom back home, wondering what had just happened. Unfortunately, this is bad – really bad. Even though the oncologist would not be specific, it was what she didn’t say that struck me and my aunt (mom’s sister) like a lightning bolt straight through the heart. Mom has lost over 20 pounds in 4 weeks, can’t eat and is on pain medication all of the time now. She is like a small broken child that we are watching shrink away – to nothing. She has lost much of her independence, and I knew this as I helped her shower and get dressed this morning.
I almost forgot that today was the 17th; if it hadn’t been for the fact that I had to sign papers (over and over again) with the date of 2/17/2014! I am screaming and coming apart inside! You were always here when I fell apart before, and now I feel like I’m on a tight-wire without a safety net. You couldn’t have known that this was the near future, but yet I feel that you were somehow preparing me for what was to come. You knew that I’d need strength, and in a strange sort of way, you leaving me as suddenly as you did, helped prepare me for this moment. I don’t know if it’s because I am still numb from your loss or that I have grown through your loss. Of course I’d like to think that it’s the latter, but as I continue to stumble, I can only assume that I am still numb. Yes, these are the ramblings of a mad woman. I am a mad, angry woman that is so frustrated with our healthcare system and the lack of answers that we are getting. We still don’t know avenues for treatment, though we know it’s limited. My mom is so weak, we are certain she wouldn’t be able to tolerate aggressive treatment. So why?!?! Why?!?!? This word was the elephant in the room, as the new Dr. awkwardly did her tap-dancing around the issue. If my mom can survive the next 2 weeks (while the Dr. is on vacay – argh), and we can get a PET scan approved by Medicare/Humana, we can actually discuss treatment options. Interesting that the Dr. would even take this approach. If my mom is this weak, why not just discuss palliative treatment? Is it the liability? Am I completely losing it and my mom really isn’t that bad at all? Why would a professional continue to put someone through this pain? Questions – so many questions!
I want to end this post on a positive note – I feel such comfort being back home. Home is the town where we met, married, had children and nurtured our love for each other. I feel it strongly here and it brings my heart peace (when I’m not screaming)! I love you Babe, and am looking for your comfort!
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