"When I see You again, will it be the same? . . ."

Lyrics from When I See You Again (Fleetwood Mac)

I’ve been thinking about you continually the past few days, and this song really touches my soul right now. These past few weeks have been quite hard, and all I do is wish you were here – with me. I am at the “six-month” mark, living this new life without you. Six months, .5 years, a lifetime for some organisms.

I catch myself remembering the ‘us’ from several years ago. I know that what we had was really great and have had that confirmed in so many ways. How many couples can really finish each other’s thoughts and sentences?!?!?! How many can pick up the other up and carry the load when their partner is flailing in the quicksand?!?!?! I loved that the most about ‘us’. We intuitively knew when the other was struggling, and we had the strength to carry each other through so many difficult times through the years.  I am finding that our love was a treasure – one that would have been envied by any that understood it, and could never be bought.

A comment was made last week, by a close relative that made me sad when I initially heard it. As I re-think the statement, it warms me and brings me comfort. I was told “I really wish I knew the Grant that was fondly remembered at his memorial.” Of course, I was shocked and felt kicked in the stomach, as I thought everyone knew the ‘wonderful you’. Being my patient (and analytic) self, I absorbed those words and really tried to understand why a family member would feel so distant from the real you. It became clear to me that no one experienced the real you in our family because I selfishly kept you to myself. We needed no one else and isolated ourselves with each other, because that was all that we needed to live and be happy. I truly believe this! In a sense, we had become conjoined twins. I now feel like an amputee, struggling with life and attempting to adjust with my new body. I don’t like it, but I accept it and am determined to make it work.

I’m having dreams about ‘us’ again, and they are happy and complete. I don’t want these dreams to end, and could happily dream my life away, until we meet again. If we meet again – Wow, the big question! I find myself hoping that we will see each other again and those connections will re-ignite, with nothing lost. We will be one again, conjoined - as it should be. I continue to nurture the love that I felt from you and it brings me such comfort during the difficult times (and there are many now). I know I will never find another like you, and can’t even fathom the search. I am sending you much love – can you feel it Babe?!?!?!