'I'm wild eyed, in my misery . . .'

Lyrics from Sorcerer (Fleetwood Mac)

I am feeling so lost and tired. It has been a hard 3 days from a difficult week. I find myself crying and wallowing in self-pity and can’t concentrate on much. I’m also quite angry and am lashing out at those that have failed me. Why can’t I be more forgiving?!?!?! I am looking high and low for the strength to sustain me.

I’ve been dreading April/May, as they are our ‘special months’ of the year. Yet, here we are! Now I have no one to celebrate them with that would understand how special they are. This is my first tax filing in 32 years without you (and I still haven’t done it). This is also my first Mother’s Day without mom (and you), followed by the celebration of your birth. If it was possible to just sleep for the next 6 weeks, I would (and hopefully dream of you). I just want the world to stop – even if it were just for a few hours.

I’ve got to stop this destructive merry-go-round and start looking for opportunities of change. I feel I’m ready, even though it has been only 6 months of my new 'wwl'. There is too much pain here without you, and what should be easy decisions are quite difficult. Everywhere I look reminds me of you and the dreams that we had together. I pray for guidance, plead for guidance – would sell my soul to make this pain go away. Love you Babe, and I’m really hurting right now.