Well here I am! I have attempted to post something
(anything) for a month now and the words just won’t come. He’s been gone for 46
days now. So many things race through my mind (ALL of the time). As
inappropriate as it may seem, I am now thinking of a line from the movie, The
Jerk. 46 days – which is 1,104 hours, which is 66,240 seconds, since I last saw
you and touched you. We laughed so many times watching this movie. We were
together – through thick and thin.
It seems like just yesterday. Or, does it seem like a
lifetime ago?!?!?! I don’t know – I am so confused. We were talking about plans
– our plans – life plans – growing old together plans. How can you be married
to someone for 32 years and not know that it would end this way? That suddenly,
one day, you are alone – really alone. The sun still came up, the birds flew
and, by God, people were living – I mean “living” – going about their own
lives. Don’t they know that he’s gone?!?!? Forever?!?!?!?
Feeling down today, really down. I can honestly say that
there really are good days and bad days in these past 46 days. Today was a bad
day – a really bad day. I actually had someone share that they knew what I was
going through. I tried to be cordial and told them “thank you”, but then they
just kept sharing – their experience, their knowledge. This “talk” didn’t help
it all. Actually, it really hurt – hurt bad. I would like to just crawl under a
rock – not forever, just a day or two. Just until I can suck it up and appear
to be the same happy person that I always appear to be. Yeah, it’s just another
day in my new life . . . and I’m not liking it much today. I am anxious for
tomorrow. I miss you babe - alot!
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