"Wondering to myself if you knew It was all for you . . ."

lyrics from It Takes Time (Fleetwood Mac)

Wow – what an exhausting week it has been, and it finally turned cold today (for me anyway)! It has been raining of and on all day. You always loved this kind of weather, as it cleaned the air and gave our desert its much needed drink of water. I believe that Fall has finally arrived. 

I am looking forward to being home this weekend and spending time with our son and Lil Guy. Lil Guy misses you so – and I am doing my best to keep him entertained and distracted. As much as I am dreading the holidays, I know how much the furboyz love their tree. If next week goes well, perhaps I will get one next weekend for them to wreak havoc and climb on. You always loved the entertainment boyz provide, and I always think of you when they are up to their shenanigans. Lil Guy has changed quite a bit since you left us and can be quite the bully when he wants (who knew?!??!).

Our son definitely has your sensitive side, which I love so much about you, and today was a hard day for him. He spent the day alone, thinking about you. He is struggling with the upcoming holidays, as I am. I continue to make attempts at being the cheerleader and keeping things going at home, but it is so difficult most days. I miss coming home to you and I miss you doing the “domestics” (and messing up the laundry – LoL). I don’t ever want you to be a just a memory, yet I know it is inevitable. So here I am, holding on to you mentally, as tight as I can, never wanting to let go. Love you forever, Babe!

"You'll never get away From the sound of the woman that loves you . . ."

Lyrics from Silver Spring (Fleetwood Mac)

The past couple of days have been very busy for me at work (‘Tis the season – LoL), and I’ve barely had time to get sad and feel the real pain of your leaving me. That is, until early today. I had to put on the mask of the gracious widow accepting condolences from colleagues who really respected you and your work. I ended up fumbling over the words “Thank you for your support”, and ended the conversation saying something like “This is the strangest experience I’ve ever known”. The harder I tried to recover, the worse the words got. Finally, we said our awkward “goodbyes” and I ran to the restroom. I honestly felt like I was going to throw up and felt so overwhelmed. All of the pain came rushing back in a matter of minutes. Will I ever be able to become the “stoic widow”?!?!?! I am now seriously doubting it.

  

I have been dreading next week all month. Next week will mean the beginning of the “holidays”. We always spent our “holidays” together, no matter what we were involved with at work. This week has literally flown by and I am certain it is due to the fact that I am desperately trying to hang on to it as tightly as I can. How does one avoid the festivities of this time of year when there are decorations and music everywhere?!?!? I’d run to hide and isolate myself, but there are still things to tend to here – I will tough it out, accepting that I am not the first to take this journey, but it will be painful and frightening nonetheless. 

Tomorrow will be another busy day at work, and I am thankful for that. I am just hoping that I don’t run into someone else who hasn’t seen me since “before then” or BD, before death - your death. Yeah, I said it “death” – and it grates on me to even think it, much less state it. You are gone, never to return – I will never spend another Thanksgiving with you, or pick out a Christmas tree with you, or hang up Christmas lights on the house with you. I will be doing this alone this year (or, who knows – maybe not at all this year). It is just so unfair and I am fighting the anger and hurt tonight. Exhaustion is a blessing today – as I am sure I will sleep well. Love you Babe!

"I don't want to know the reasons why . . ."

Lyrics from I don't want to Know (Fleetwood Mac)

It has now been two months since you left me (sounds so cold, and I feel it to the bone). I can’t believe that it will be 2 months tomorrow and the holidays will soon be here. There will definitely be a large hole without you this year, and I can’t imagine not buying you a special Christmas gift or you getting those wonderful stocking stuffers on Christmas eve. How can this be?!?!? I don’t even know how to accept this fact of my new weird widow life.

Work is really busy right now, so I don’t have a lot of time to dwell and grow sad, but I know that the pain will come (and am dreading it). Trying to catch up on laundry and groceries, as tomorrow will begin a new work week, and I need to focus. I am expected to perform, and I will not disappoint. I am still amazed at how the world just continues "on" even though you are not here. I know that this statement sounds trivial to some, but it is soooo true! The world should have stopped – taken a pause. Some days I feel like I am running as fast as I can to catch the day and I never do. I missed the meteor shower early this morning (because I didn’t have you to wake me up like you always did), and it makes me sad. I know that things will never be the same, but I desperately want them to go back to the way they were before. We were happy and together – as we should be. I shouldn’t be here alone (but, yeah - I am). Love you Babe!